Funny Quotes 2

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.'
The doctor says, 'It's because of old age'
The woman says, 'Doctor, I want a second opinion.'
The doctor says: 'Sure - you're ugly too'
-- Tommy Cooper

I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but
when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check
my balance...she leaned over and pushed me.
-- Anonymous

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
-- Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
-- Steven Wright

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that,
who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
-- Billy Connolly

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.
-- Tommy Cooper

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was
sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell
she is.
-- Ellen DeGeneres

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow.
I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
-- Tommy Cooper

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He
said "My dog's died.'"
-- Tim Vine

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a
library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at
you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone
joins in.

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find
out later she has money.
-- Bob Monkhouse

I once dated a famous Aussie rugby player who treated me just
like a football; made a pass, played footsie, then dropped me
as soon as he'd scored.
-- Kathy Lette

A man explained inflation to his wife thus:
'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42.
There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.'
-- Lord Barnett

Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only
way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting
a riot.
-- Dick Gregory

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year
and a half.
-- Gracie Allen

Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes,
people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst.
That's the Secret Service.' - Jay Leno

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to
let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry.

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
- Groucho Marx.

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Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead.
Benjamin Franklin


I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating. In fourteen
days, I lost exactly two weeks.
Joe E. Lewis


I have enough money to last me the rest of my life ........unless
I buy something.
Jackie Mason


It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I
have been searching for evidence which could support this.
Bertrand Russell


If your phone has been disconnected for any reason, call now.
Erik Estrada, in a commercial for Smoke Signals telephone service.


I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
Sam Kinison


The amount of sleep required by the average person is about
five minutes more.
Wilson Misner


Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some
men should be happier than others.
Oscar Wild


A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love.
Just ask yourself this one question: Would I mind being
financially destroyed by this person?
Ronnie Shakes


I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep
his house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor


Recently I performed at an animal rights barbecue.
Adam Christing

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin,
we go to heaven - Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven.