Funny Quotes 1

"You know the world is different
when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy,
the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the US of arrogance,
Germany doesn't want to go to war,
and the 3 most powerful men in America
are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colin'! Need I say more?"
- Chris Rock

"Those who pay minimum wage, it's their way of saying they
would've paid you even lower if they could've" - Chris Rock

"Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white,
y'know? People are nice to ya, they give you the beneift o'
the doubt... You drive a flash car down the freeway and the
cops'll pull y'over and before they even look they like 'What
the f**k are you doing?' and then they see it's you and they
like 'Awww man, it's Chris Rock, it's okay, man we thought
you was a nigga'." - Chris Rock

"Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell
and Paula Abdul judgin' the singin. Paula Abdul?! Gettin' Paula
Abdul to judge a singin' contest is like gettin' Christopher Reeve
to judge a dance contest!" - Chris ROck

"If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's
twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six,
she's damn near fourty." - Chris Rock

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to
and the one white people used to go to. - Chris Rock

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"I want to die like my grandfather did, peacefully in his
sleep....Not yelling and screaming like the passenger in his
car"

I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted
- George Best

"I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons." - Douglas Adams."

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me
happy." - Spike Milligan.

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife
you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher."
- Socrates.

"If your left leg was easter, and your right leg was
christmas, would i be able to meet you inbetween the
holidays?" - Josh Longden

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything
- which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the
nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
- Seinfeld

Your son may be an honor student, but you are still stupid
- famous bumper sticker

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
- Bertrand Russell

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the
richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- Robert Orben

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the
older she gets the more interested he is in her.
- Agatha Christie

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against
Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to
bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no
oil! ~ Golda Meir

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her
birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter
joined me.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I
stole one and asked him to forgive me.
-- Emo Philips

I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out
he was on parole for it.
-- Monica Piper

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he
was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass
the salt.
-- Eric Sykes

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my
wife to go swimming.