Husband and Wife

Husband and Wife: Short Jokes

Husband : U know dear, our son got his brain from me.
Wife : I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

My wife and I have a secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food....
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go on our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker.
Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.

She ran after the garbage truck yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
"No, jump in!" said the truck driver.

A husband said to his wife, "Your mother has been living with us for 5
years now. Isn't it time she got herself her own apartment?"
"My mother?" said the shocked wife, "I thought she was your mother."

A couple had three children. Two of them were bright, smart, and handsome
but the third child was dull, ugly, and backward.
One day the hubby got suspicious and asked, "Tell me the truth, dear.
Is this third child really mine?" "Yes, dear," replied the wife,
"but the other two are not."

One day a father called his 6 children together and asked, "Now tell me,
who has been most obedient during last week and did everything mother
asked?" In one voice they all replied, "You, Daddy!"

At a silver wedding anniversary, the husband was standing in one corner
looking very sad.
"What's the matter?" asked his friend.
"Well, a week after marriage, I got fed up and wanted to kill my wife,
but my lawyer said that I would get 25 years. Now I realise that today
I would have been a free man."

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you
remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't
talk for an hour?"
The hubby replied : "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

When a bachelor marries, his wife has three qualities she is an economist
in the kitchen, an aristocrat in the living room and a devil in bed.
After a few years, sure enough the three qualities remain, but not in the
same order she is an aristocrat in the kitchen, a devil in the living room
and an economist in bed.

On the first night of their marriage, the groom told the bride, "Darling,
love is blind."
"Yes dear," replied the bride, "but the neighbours are not, so please
close the blinds."

Man at 86 who marries a girl of 25 is like buying a best-seller for others
to read.

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel
drive vehicles."
"She did." he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

"Our sex life has really improved since my wife and I got separate beds."
"How's that possible?"
"Well, we have them in different apartments."