Just Off Marriage!

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
George Burns

She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I said, "Where's the car?"
She said, "In the lake."
Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman


I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has,
you wish you had ordered that

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.


Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't
know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness
was until I got married; then it was too late.


A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."

A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?"asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you
never get to prove it.

A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've
found a woman just like mother!"
His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat
in Europe

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only
seems longer

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a
beautiful house, a big car, the love o a beautiful woman-then, BAM!,
it was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked his friend.
"My wife found out...


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.

I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both
husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house.
Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your
laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget it once.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants,
provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment
and then says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."